Hi, boy, how are you? Hope you are at peace and safe in Our Savior's Love...
Dear baby, I have to confess to you, my darling....
You came into our life, when papa first saw you during his neurosurgical- posting. He saw you all alone in the big cot, all by yourself and with no one around you. Unlike the other babies; who had their parents close to them, taking good care of them with love and patience; you had no one. Papa immediately fell in love with you and ever since then, he told me all about you. He told me how he felt about you and was keen and persistent on taking you as our own. I was initially shocked and dumbfounded by papa's decision... I regretfully must admit that I did not have the similar feeling as what your papa had in the beginning my darling...
Remember the time we first met? It was in the hospital. You were about to be discharged back to the RKK and papa brought me to see you. I finally got to see and meet the baby who changed my husband’s life. I got to finally touch you and find what was in you that rocked him. Once again I failed to see and feel what your papa saw and felt. I was a little upset and worried because I knew you came into our lives for a reason and I can’t seem to find it. I did not see you as my own, but just another baby; another "special" baby who came to the clinic for regular follow up. Subconsciously I started examining and checking you as I wanted to see for myself that you were properly treated and cared for. I guess you may call it my subconscious maternal instincts. Maybe me being an eye medical officer I wanted to make sure your visions was ok as your papa told me you were diagnosed to have ROP. I wanted make you sure that apart from you being premature you were healthy before I nodded to papa's suggestion on taking you as our own.... Sayang, I have to be frank, I did not have confidence of taking care of you, I am so sorry to say that, dear baby!
I saw the records and it said that you had ROP and I was so worried about your vision and the extra care needed to take you It was stated as ROP grade IV and I told papa about the risk of you being blind or close to being blind but to my astonishment your papa wasn’t bothered about any of your medical condition in fact, I saw papa' face glow when he played with you, I felt confused. I was not sure what to do. Part of me wanted to take support your papa but on the other, I could not lie to myself that I would take good care of you without any difficulties. Your papa kept saying you were perfect and he saw Jesus in you. To be honest, that made me even more confused and worried. I have not been in this situation before, I have never been raised to deal with these new emotions that I’m feeling now and all this is so very new to me.
After that, we never met, I knew papa, aunt Dina, and amachi visited you frequently and that made them feel so attached to you... I only get to know from papa about you at the home; only got to hear from papa about your progress, about how you fixed your eyes on him when he came to you. I could only ask papa to ask our fellow medical friends about your eye condition and I frequently discussed with my seniors and specialists here based on what papa told me... I know I have been missing or ignoring the chance to see you, to touch you. Papa had always wanted to take me to see you, but I have been resisting. Papa kept telling me that you are God's gift to us and he tried to convince me to have faith but.... I have been resisting, I am so sorry, baby. I was fearful, feared to handle you, feared to cope with the difficult situation while taking care of you, fear of the needs of frequent hospital visit, fear of how others will see me, how others will judge me, feared that if I became emotionally attached to you and if ever you were to leave me, I will be devastated. I was angry with myself for feeling the way I did and torn between my emotions.
Papa told me the vision he had of you, running with your siblings, pushing down the Christmas tree as he said you have a "naughty cheeky” look. I at times, enjoyed those visions myself. I was just too scared to decide... I felt suffocated sometimes... I felt suffocated to commit... I know I would not be able to do it; I just could not force myself... Sorry, dear!
I became emotionally drifted. Whenever papa told me about you, I became emotional, trying hard not to listen whenever there is discussion about you, trying not to be involved, and worse, I fought with your papa, just about you! ... Then came that day when papa told me you were sick. I only could get to know about your progress from papa. I knew you were intubated, and was on triple inotropes and your condition was not promising. Papa told me you were dying. I asked papa to baptize you, at that critical moment, so if you were to ever leave, you will go to our Father... but, still I wasn’t feeling what I was supposed to feel. That made me more angry and confused.
I came back home for Christmas. Everyone was talking about you. To be honest, I felt suffocated, I was not happy with the idea and assumptions everyone made that I have accepted to mother you. I was actually planning to be a sponsor for a start but I have to be frank, it was a huge, difficult decision to make to take you. I was not confident at all. It was a huge commitment to make. When papa made the decision to take me to visit you on the day of my arrival in Ipoh, I was not happy, I was not ready, I felt burdened being “forced” to see you, felt burdened being “forced” to commit, I just felt annoyed! I was tired after driving, and the first thing before I got to rest, I was brought to see you…
It finally hit me when I went to see you, looking at all the tubes in you, and around you, I was shocked. I did not know that you were so ill. I was still trying to be practical, trying to swallow all the tears, trying to be a strong and tough person. Yet, I still tried to avoid touching you, I chose to sit outside after seeing you the first time, refused to step into the room again, I chose to just wait outside… I refused to feel attached with you. It took a while for me to nod to see you and to touch you again…
I knew there was little chance for you to wake up, but at times, seeing some of your improvement, I was hoping that you will receive miracle from Father. I saw your tears, I saw how you moved, and I whispered to myself, if it really meant to be, you and I will be mother and son. I was excited to see your response when we talked to you, moved you, touched you and to wake you up. When the nurses told me saw you once opening the eyes, I was delighted, rushed to tell papa the news. I was excited to shop for you, I felt happy to buy you clothes with papa, I feel happy to put on the caps and gloves and socks on you... I was excited thinking about you opening your eyes. The doctors say even if you wake up, there will be neurological deficit, but I fought back, in my heart, if you were to wake up, one day, all will be cured! I felt worried seeing you desaturate and saw you becoming bradycardic, I saw you trying hard to breath with effort, I was really hoping to see you opening your eyes. Then Christmas day came and I was excited to bring your presents to the hospital. I also saw how papa wept for you, while trying to opening you gifts. I was shocked as I have never seen papa cry like that before... but, part of me was fighting against what I saw, why everyone was so attached with you?
At times, I was still fighting, wondering why everyone so attached to you? It may make me wonder if I am heartless. Cold blooded? I felt I was left out. Felt awkward to stay there as another individual, felt not being part of the group, felt ignored... But, isn't this what I asked for from the beginning, not to get involved? Then why did I feel angry? I then realized, I wanted to be involved since the very beginning.... Part of me, wanting you while the other part of me feared to commit and tried to fight to be tough and practical....
On the night you left us, I was speechless receiving the news from your papa at our dinner. I could not believe. Less than 6 hours ago, you were showing signs of improvement and suddenly receiving news like this. Everyone was crying, but I was still trying hard to hold the tears until I touched you and carried your cold lifeless body where I finally I felt what I was meant to feel. I felt you. I felt the love I had for you. It was then I cried out all that was in me. I cried like you were mine and from me. I could not hold back anymore.
Is it because of me? Was it because of my resistance that you were taken away? Why am I so heartless?
I keep picturing you, with the photos papa and Auntie Dina sent me from email, and keep thinking the atmosphere in the hospital when you left us, when we touched and held your body, when we put on the clothes for you, and when they took you to the mortuary... Tears kept pouring from my eyes... Darling, I have so much of regret that I did not have enough time with you. Sorry, darling...
Remember, darling, Jesus loves you more and that is why He took you away to Him, I know you at peace now and happy to be with Him. There is no more pain and suffering. The world is too cruel for an innocent baby like you. You will always be loved and cherished in our hearts. To make it complete baby; you lived up to your name; Jeremy which means “God will raised up” and that was what He did. I will always love you my son.
Darling, you will always be in my memory and you will always be my son!
Love,
Mom
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